I figured it would be difficult. I mean, I did this before, when I recovered from anorexia. Gaining weight during recovery was intensely, unbelievably difficult - but it was such a short phase (before I just threw all caution to the wind and full-on binged, doubling my weight in a matter of months) that I sort of forgot.
I could lie and gloss this over and talk about how much fun it is to eat carbs again.
But I think the value of blogging is its honesty.
So here it is, the truth: I'm really, really struggling with body dysmorphic disorder right now.
It's hard to see yourself stage lean, and then see yourself 'real-life' lean.
When I took this picture I immediately wanted to delete it.
I made a disgusted noise.
I am not proud of these things. In fact, I am deeply disappointed with myself for having that reaction. I (rather naively) thought I was beyond this.
But I am, at least, aware that this is crazy.
I want to gain muscle. I do not want osteoporosis. I do not want to slip back into the grip of an eating disorder - I can't, I won't. I want to eat. And, more than anything, I want to get rid of that crazy voice in my head that's whispering, "Why not stay stage lean?"
The immediate post-contest period presents a perfect storm for anyone predisposed towards disordered tendencies: everyone is commenting on your contest photos, texting you, talking about how good you look. Meanwhile, you have gained water, so you know you don't look like you did on stage - and you shouldn't! Nonetheless, this weight gain can easily fuel your desire to restrict.
I go back and forth in my head all day. One minute I want to stay super lean, I'm terrified of gaining fat, of being 140lb again.... and the next, I'm eager to gain muscle, to build my shoulders, my arms, my abs, my back. To prove - to myself, to Max, to everyone - that my ED is safely in my past, not my present or future.
I can step back and see what's happening and where this is coming from, and I have been adding food back in, so I don't think I'm in imminent danger.
But I do want to illustrate how much of a mind-game contest prep (and its aftermath) can be, depending on your history. I certainly don't think this is a problem for everyone, but it is a danger to those of us with EDs and body dysmorphia in our past.
I don't think you ever really recover, in the sense of being completely cured, from an ED (not everyone will agree with me on that one, I imagine) - I think it stays with you for life, and the best you can do is recognise it for what it is, learn your triggers, and how to control it.
ReplyDeleteSo rather than be disappointed, I think you should be proud of yourself for recognising what's happening, and for having the awareness and strength to combat it.
I think you're right - I think no matter how much distance you put between yourself and your ED, the little voice will always be hiding somewhere in the back of your head, just waiting for an opportunity to sneak back in.
DeleteAll you can do is your best and I think your feelings and thoughts are totally normal and natural. Take one day at a time so you can adjust mentally to the gain. And keep reminding yourself of the health benefits for gaining weight.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Jess =) I am definitely trying to focus on the benefits of weight gain!!
DeleteI really appreciate the honesty of this post. It is not an easy thing from some who hasn't suffered from an eating disorder... I cant imagine the added struggle that history adds. You got this! You're going to look incredible and rock figure! ;)
ReplyDeleteThank you! And I have to gain some MUSCLE to do well in figure!! =)
DeleteI like reading your blog. Not because I have any interest in doing what you do, (I used to think I wanted to!) haha I am intrigued by you're strength mentally to do do all of this! I have a hard enough time focusing on proper nutrition to just simply build muscle and not gain fat, but you are building, and thinning, and then gaining and omg sounds so hard! Good for you :) keep rockin it!
ReplyDeleteAw - thank you so much!!!! =) =) =)
DeleteI want to second what wonkey_monkey said - exactly!
ReplyDeleteYou SHOULD BE PROUD, not disappointed in yourself. Recognizing your triggers, and taking steps to control them - while being so honest to those around IS having your ED in your past.
I think you a very strong woman, Sable - you're honesty about competing, and the affects that it has on you physically is so refreshing. I think putting yourself in a situation where you are judged for your body after struggling and overcoming an ED is courageous. And not something safe for a lot of other women. It certainly wouldn't be for me.
This came up in my twitter feed today and I think it's very true: Affirmations work like weight-training. But instead of building muscles, they help build neural pathways for positive beliefs.
Thank you so much Gillian!! I am definitely glad that I can recognize my faulty thought patterns. I certainly lacked this insight the first time around and I think that's why I got so sick.
DeleteI really like that- saying? quote? - it's true. I'm going to print it out and tape it on my desk.
The instant you mentioned going for a fitness competition this kind of thing was my primary worry for you - that's not to say I did not have faith in you or assumed you'd 'fail' (in your eyes), but I would have been extremely surprised if *anyone* ED history or completely 'normal' did not resist gaining any pounds back. Because honestly, who wants to gain pounds back unless they're pure muscle (impossible of course)? Very few people, but that doesn't mean that you should end up destroying yourself over trying to maintain your contest lean-ness.
ReplyDeleteI say with complete sincerity that a) I didn't notice much difference between this latest pic and some of your contest photos and b) I'd still be happy as a clown on laughing gas if I looked anywhere near as lean as you STILL are.
Contest prep plays into and exacerbates disordered behaviours (obsessive weighing of food, calculating every macro, compulsively sculpting ones body) even in the relatively stable. I did wonder if it was still 'too soon' but it's none of my business to step on someone else's dreams.
Hang in there - I hope it gets easier <3
xxx
Really?? I think you are much leaner than I am!!
DeleteAnyway - you are absolutely right. Contest prep is such a close cousin to an ED that it's really tough to set a boundary and say, Okay, no more. Especially because for me, restricting is somehow addictive... :/
I do fully intend to force myself up and out of this rut, though, because I want to compete again and I really, truly want to prove to myself that I am stronger than that little voice in my head.
I feel ya -- I do a big weight cut when I have to make weight for boxing, it is so hard to have abs one day, gone the next :\
ReplyDeleteI think it is hard for anyone, even without an ED past. Best of luck to you. Maybe focus on strength goals for a little bit to take your mind off physique?
I think I will. I really want to gain my strength back... it's been hard not being the strongest chick in the gym!
DeleteGaining weight IS a psychological challenge! I think being aware of your attitudes towards it/your conflicting thoughts is super-healthy, it means you know some of your thought patterns are wrong, and that you know what needs to be done to be healthy, happy and reach your goals! Thank you for such an honest and open post, and I know you can get back to where you need to be--so you can get those muscles and compete again :)
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely glad I can take a step back and see my thought pattern, ya know? I don't think I was able to do that as a very ill teenager.
DeleteThank you so much for the support <3
Good for you for being aware of your mental struggles and keeping a firm grasp on reality.
ReplyDeleteI guess I should just clarify that when we (I) complimented you on your stage look it is much like telling a girl at prom or a woman at her wedding, "You look great!" We are not commenting on how much better you look so lean but rather how awesome the full result came together for the event. I know you know this, but I think it's a good comparison to keep in mind.
Oh I know!! I know that most people who read here realize that the stage look is not a look that's maintainable for more than a few hours...I guess it's just weird when family & friends who don't quite understand all that goes into a show text or call and talk about my appearance on stage in the present tense? I'm not sure how to put it so that it makes sense!!
Deletejust remember the MONTHS it took to prepare and how much time you spent manipulating your body to move in that direction. Give yourself just as much time to readjust and stabilize wherever you feel comfortable. If you only gain back 5 pounds but continue to get stronger and slowly add more calories/carbs/whatever, thats fine!! Health and strength must be the priority, not a silly number or some NORMAL water weight. It will take some time to feel right in good shape as opposed to stage shape, just remember your goals. :)
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely!! I'm definitely trying to remember that I'm not being as anal right now as I was a couple of weeks ago, so of course my appearance/weight is going to fluctuate a little more. I'm just trying to focus on the fact that if I want to look different the next time I diet all the way down, I've got to gain some muscle!
DeleteI love how raw and honest you are. I know this must be a struggle and you look awesome. When I had to gain weight for swimming, every day was a mental struggle. Just know you are a gorgeous person inside and out and always continue to inspire me.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Hollie! <3
Deletei think wonkey_monkey hit the nail on the head---
ReplyDeleteacknowledge it,know your triggers and control it...
i *know* its hard,
but you are so strong,i have no doubts you can conquer through the post-show mental side effects.
hang in there!
*hugs*
Thank you so much Melissa! I'm trying!! It's a work in progress, but putting my thoughts out here really helped.
DeleteYou are a beautiful person, no matter what you interpret in the mirror.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Maria!
DeleteBabe I am MORE than here for you <3 I love you so much, my love <3 so so much xoxo I am here for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Meg!
DeleteI was wondering if something like this would be coming from you, and I really appreciate your honesty! I think it's really difficult to truly distance yourself from BD and ED thoughts once they become a part of your life, even if it was long go that they were prominent. I know that for me, I struggle with it regularly, even though I've been "healthy" for years now; I can't even imagine what it would do to my head to actually get that lean and then have to reverse it. You though, Sable, are brave and strong, and I know that you can push past those ugly thoughts. You are beautiful at your stage weight and at the weight you were at before, what's important is finding your healthy happy point!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Stephanie! =) It's not that I think it's good that you still struggle with this kind of thing, but I am glad that I'm not alone in this craziness!
DeleteI'm a casual reader here, but felt compelled to comment. I think your honesty about your thoughts in this post-contest phase is really important and healthy. As others have said, recognizing the thought patterns is the first step to changing them. And as others have also said, to some extent, that negative ED voice never really disappears -- it just gets quieter over time.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who has been "recovered" for over 10 years, I experience this every day. What has helped me most is recognizing those unhealthy thought patterns (as you are doing) and deliberately seeking out healthy situations and building a life that is not so centered on food and exercise. Sure, I still work out to stay fit and I make sure I am eating well most of the time, but I keep it in balance.
Participating in a competition like you did would throw anyone for a loop and play mind games on people who never even had a previous ED. But for someone with an ED history? Seems like a recipe for disaster. I guess I would just ask you to truly examine your motivation for competing in the first place and be very honest with yourself before going forward with another competition.
There are plenty of other hobbies besides ones centered on body and weight -- so why not look beyond the mirror and the scale and spend time on more enriching pursuits?
Thank you so much for commenting, Anon! =)
DeleteI am definitely glad I have an awareness of my crazy thoughts this time around. I'm hoping that I can use that awareness to propel myself into a mentally healthy space.
I do think that I will compete again, *provided* that I am able to gain the weight I need to in this post-contest period. I did really enjoy the experience and I'd like to give it another try...ONLY if I can do so healthfully.
I do have a number of non-scale/appearance-based hobbies & interests - they just never make it onto the blog because I feel like everyone would be bored by them! haha. Plus I don't want to alienate anyone - I'm quite involved in politics & know that can be very divisive.
I do really, really appreciate your concern & input! =) Thank you again for commenting!
Love your honesty, Sable! I think to some extent, it's viewed as a taboo in the blog world to admit that you want to look slim/lean. Although I have never had an eating disorder, I can definitely share your feelings about body dysmorphia. I lost a little over 30 kilograms and despite that, it took me a LONG time to view myself as slim. Many times I pick up sizes bigger than I am while out shopping because I can't believe I'd be able to fit into anything smaller. Although I am not as anal with my eating and workouts as I used to be, gaining all the weight I lost is definitely a huge fear of mine...but you know what, the beauty is that you are AWARE of this and even if you are "bringing back the carbs" or eating more, hopefully you will be able to trust yourself to stop after a certain point i.e. so that you don't go back to being 140 lbs.
ReplyDeleteI was wondering.
ReplyDeleteHow do you think the competition effected BDD?
Well, it's weird. It made it worse in some ways - now I want to look stage-ready all the time - and better in others...I used to think it was 'easy' to look like a competitor and I sort of expected myself to look great year-round, but now I know how much work and manipulation goes into it for just a couple of hours.
DeleteTold you so.
ReplyDeleteWhat the fuck is wrong with you?
DeleteI absolutely don't understand what would motivate the above poster to make this comment to you, Sable. There's honesty and then there's cruelty.
ReplyDeleteBe well, take care of yourself, and never doubt that vulnerability can be a sign of true strength.
Thank you so much, Anon - and Anon above! =)
DeleteThe first thing i thought when looking at the photo above (without reading the text) was wow, girl looks GOOD!
ReplyDeleteI love the honesty in the post, my friend has just been diagnosed with BDD and i had NO idea.
I can't imagine what that should be like honestly - but i can understand it's hard to go from crazy lean to a little less lean (though i honestly think you look GREAT!)
I had that the last 2 months of my bulk - i loved all the muscle i gained, but the softness on my hips, not so much! But knowing it has a purpose/ it's temporary helps! And getting stronger and actually seeing new muscle - that's SO awesome.
Think about all the amazing muscle you're going to gain and how CRAZY strong you're gonna get!! :)
Hope you're able to deal with all of this well, and can put it in perspective!
I have nothing valuable to add, except to say that your honesty continues to amaze me, Sable.
ReplyDeleteJust being aware of those feelings and tendencies is probably one of the best things you can do to make sure your ED remains in your past. Best of luck to you - you are a remarkable woman!
i read your blog because of your brutal honesty and your ability to put yourself out there at all times. you're brave and intelligent and kind hearted. and i wish nothing but the best for you! you are an amazing support to all those around you and i hope you know that you can lean on us in the same way i've leaned on you!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear what you're going through and hope it gets better. Please don;t take this offensively- but have you ever thought that doing these bikini competitions is just a glorified form of your ED? It's just a thought and I really don't want to step out of place- I hope you understand I;m saying this because I do care and I really love your blog. I just want you to feel good and be happy- because you look amazing at any size :)
ReplyDeleteOh Sable, I so GET this. I did three competitions back to back this spring. By June 3rd, when I was officially done my last one, I didn't know what to eat. I knew I couldn't continue looking like I was "stage ready" forever, but the thought of putting on fat over my muscle made me cry A LOT. Hang in there. Everything your brain settles down. It really does. ~hugs~
ReplyDeleteWow - really powerful and really important. Good on you for highlighting this, and for being objective enough to know that stage weight just isn't how you can stay. Much love and luck xx
ReplyDeleteI'm under no illusion that my feedback will change your perception, but I just wanted to point out that you look fantastic and that you should be proud of yourself for being a magnificent athletic machine.
ReplyDeleteIn the end, when we are in our last days, we will probably all lie back and reflect on all the wasted hours we spent in self-judgement. Wouldn't it be great to let go and surrender it now so that we could enjoy the full potency of our lives? I struggle with that in my own ways, too.
What you're dealing with is real and truthful. I in no way mean to diminish your struggle, but rather hope that you can step away from the mirror long enough to offer yourself a small moment of forgiveness, and credit for being brave enough to face the truth of who you are and the truth of who you can be.
Jonathon - thank you so much for stopping by. I printed this & taped it inside my desk drawer at work so I can be reminded of it frequently =) Thank you so, so, so very much!!!
Delete[Everyone - I'm sorry for the late replies! I've been sick!!! =(]
This is one hell of a gorgeous comment.
ReplyDeleteIt touched my objectivist heart.
Thanks. :)